Faith on Love and Words

At 9 a.m. today, I woke up, and immediately knew what it wanted, what I was supposed to do. But I couldn’t do it. Because I knew it was gonna hurt that much, because I didn’t have the guts to, because I still hope it will all be worth it in the end. It was right, but so wrong in so many ways. 

For the past month, I have built faith on love and words. Lots of faith. And two days ago, I have decided to stop waiting. And day 1 of not waiting, seemed like forever, because I was still waiting. Day 2 didn’t seem any easier. But I know, I know deep inside that I am scared. And nights that I am afraid of, what they call “the future”, I had no one to speak to or to turn to because I don’t want to burden you with more problems. But then I thought, if not you, who can I turn to?, who am I to speak to?, am I to keep the thoughts all to myself when the only think I wish I could do is to share them with you? Most days, I would just convince myself that all these pain would be worth it in the end. Some days, I convincing myself is the hardest task. I only write you letters when I feel happy, so I don’t bombard you with my sadness.

When this all first started, I looked forward to your calls, everyday, I believed I could do it, I believed that it was easy. But now, when I see your face, all I fell is pain of words that were unspoken and feelings that were left unsaid. Nights alone, were spent rehearsing the lines in my head that I would say unto you when you called but when you do, the imaginary script would disappear into thin air, it would vanish, like it was never there. When I woke up out of a sudden this morning, my first thought was “Where are you?'”, and I didn’t even know what was I thinking when I called you, I could barely even think when I did it, my hands just reached for the phone, and wished you would pick up the call. And when I heard your voice, strings and strings of tears kept rolling out of my eyes, onto the brown pillow case of mine. All that crossed my mind was me wanting you to be right by my side that very moment, just you holding me close, then all these broken pieces would fall back together, then all these pain wouldn’t hurt anymore. I wished that phone call would’ve lasted longer…

How can one miss someone so much? So much til it hurts.

And I wish you well…

One day we will stop fighting for it, and when we do, I wish you well. I wish you all the best in life, all the best in every thing you do. And if you ever think of me, remember that I am thinking of you too. I guess, then, we’ve tried our best (or at least, we think so), and either one of us have probably found someone else.

Braced myself for the goodbye.

This is the Lemon

Live as the day goes by. Don’t worry about the future. Don’t live in the past. Yes, yes, I’ve always been saying that. Today, I am worrying about the future. And so was I, the few other days even for a few months now... Days are getting shorter and quicker then it’ll be gone before I know it. It still hasn’t fully sunk into me yet. It should already be. But I guess not, yet. It’s hard on me, really. This is going to be harder than I thought it would ever be. Expectedly unexpected. Tears don’t seem to make me feel any better. Neither does sleep. And I wouldn’t want to try eating. I guess this is one of the lemons that life throws at me.

I just really need to get my brain to accept things and people will come, and so will they go. Some leave never to be heard or found again, some remain close at heart, some will always try no matter the distance. I wish I could proudly say, “Distance is just a number”. No, it isn’t. Well, at least not yet for me. But…for now, no. I know it’s going to be hard, I knew it from the very start. But I am already on the boat, no turning back. And so, I should just keep the oars and go where the waves bring us to, and when situations require, the oars will be used.

POSITIVE THINKING : This is the lemon that I will make my lemonade with. We’ll work it out somehow.

***

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I, of course should be in bed. But why am I here? This morning, is frustrating. I really dislike unfinished conversations, knowing that I have much to say, but I barely spoke half of my thoughts. I really hate it. It keeps me awake, all night. Like tonight (or to-morning). It makes me feel, small and unimportant, like a grain of sand in the desert or a drop of water in the sea. But why do people have the habit of avoiding things they don’t want to talk about? Why not just, get it over and done with then, you won’t have to live in fear that it may be brought up in the near future? Avoiding a problem and solving a problem are two very different things, and I thought everyone already knew that by now. :( It just sucks; the feeling.

Stay

I’m sorry your love didn’t last.

Been a month since I last posted, eh? Yea. Tiring month. Had a lot of thinking going on recently, like if things are what they seem to be, or if it’s worth it, or am I doing things right. But you know, we can’t decide too early sometimes, and most of the time, we shouldn’t even decide if it’s worth it or if it’s right, things like that are just not up to us to decide sometimes cause we never know what’s the future like. “Is the world REALLY going to end?” “Am I going to be a good parent?” “Is this sum of money enough to last me til the end?” “Is this the person I’m going to grow old with?” And the list goes on. Don’t worry about the future, don’t live in the past. Live now, and only now. Yes, yes!, easy to say. Haha. I definitely don’t live in the past (not as much at least) but I have to admit, I worry too much about the future sometimes. :)

***

Now playing, Good Charlotte’s The Truth.
“I want the truth from you,
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me.”
The truth definitely is going to hurt sometimes, but again, I’d rather be hurt with the truth than to live a life wondering what is the truth.

***

I will never understand how some people can say, “I’ll come back once I’m done with her”, go to the other girl and say, “I’ve made up my mind, I’ll never leave you.” Will someone please, just please enlighten me? I’m curious, I just want to understand. I am still a little confused with this matter.

***

Just a song I’d like to share.

“I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you?”

This song is about a girl who is a third party in a marriage. He keeps telling her that there will come a time where he will leave his spouse and forever be with her. But she doubts his words. She is tired of being lied to, being alone, being used and waiting to see him again. She basically just wants him to make a decision. So here it is! Stay by Sugarland. Click here for the lyrics.

“It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share.” I ‘m sure it hurts.

By the way, although I really dislikehatedespise the idea of cheating, or an unfaithful relationship but this song absolutely makes me sad. You know how the idea of “the other party” is always wrong? Yea. Well, sometimes, it isn’t, the guy didn’t have to lie to her… And keep telling her he’ll leave his wife. He didn’t need to give her hope. He could’ve just ended the relationship or leave his wife. We can’t always get the best of both worlds. And we obviously won’t want to share the things we love, what more the person we love.

Slow Down

Trust has been a big problem for me since a young age, I have to admit that. It’s really hard for me to trust someone, wait, not just someone, it’s almost everyone and just about anything at all. I build up these walls of insecurities and pain, shut everyone out, and it’s just me in the little world of my own. Always down, always doubting other people. And all these were just, well, the things that I do, used to do I hope.

Case 1 : I meet someone nice, the mind says “No! Don’t trust this person!” then there I go, think, think, think, and I shut that person out of my life, forever.
Case 2 : I meet someone nice, really nice, I screw up, and shut that person out.
Case 3 : I meet an idiot. Case closed.

This whole shoo-ing people away is tiring, you know, like, why try so hard to push people away when they can be your friends? Make sense?

I’m definitely not trying to say that I don’t do this anymore though. Am trying not to, at least. But I am can certainly see a change, in me, slowly. :) I am proud of it, and I’m happier. I feel more comfortable and free. But of course trust needs to be earned in most case. It sucks when someone misuses that trust. :)

***

So here’s a review on my weekend. It was great! Why? Cause I was happy…am happy. :) Quality time spent and did some revision. Almost exactly how I want my weekends to be like. And it has been a very long time since I’ve spent a weekend like that…like it actually felt like a weekend. I have found in me, a new me. And I have found answers to some of my questions. I realised that no matter decisions are made from the Heart or Mind, they are still decisions in the end, and we all have to accept the result of the decisions as they come, no matter what they are cause we made them, by choice, and willingness. And now, I am just living life as it comes, day by day. Everyday, life changes, everyday, we change a little. Thinking too much about the future isn’t too good; we can’t predict it, living in the past is a burden; we can’t change it, so just relax, don’t regret. :)

***

And well, I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused, I never wanted anyone to feel this way, and although we were never actual friends, I just want to say that I am truly sorry in a way that you will never understand or believe that I am even sorry. If I could rewind time, I would undo it all from scratch, then you will be happy all over again. No heartbreak, no loss. Just love. It all just happened so quick I didn’t even have time to catch a breath while it was happening. So here I am, putting away my ego, I am sorry, I really am.

We all have doubts, sometimes, as doubts come, we need someone to reassure us that it’s all going to be okay. So yeah, I’m going to reassure myself here and now, “It’s all going to be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

So Love, what are you actually? Tell me? Please, Love?

A House I Call Home

 

I want to wake up to a house I call home - waking up to the sounds of birds chirping and the sun shining upon my face, nice warm shower, laughter, breakfast with the family.

I want to live in a house I call home – small but enough for everyone, away from pollution and congestion, small town, cozy, loved.

I want to come back to a house I call home – smiles, a nice freshly cooked dinner, everyone eating and joking at the dining table, then probably some dessert while watching TV. I want to feel welcomed.

I want to live with people I call family – able to talk about things freely without hard feelings, road trips, share our day at the end of it, occasional surprises, no empty promises, no lies. Just happy.

***

I hate it when I’m sitting in someone’s car and they’re driving like they’re rushing somewhere when they’re not, tailgating every-single-freaking-car, the car jerking like there’s no tomorrow (accelerate, brake, accelerate, brake…), cursing every other car. Like hello? CHILL LA. Driving should be calm. And relaxed. Seriously. And it gives me a headache. Literally. Pfft. Whole day headache today.

***

I want to move out. You promised me. And you know how much I dislike driving. I don’t want to spend two to three hours everyday, travelling time. You’re afraid that I will go out every single night? Yea, you probably should, cause I am such a night person, I don’t need sleep for class the next day. Like, hello? If I wanted to be “wild” or whatever you call it, I would’ve been that ever since forever, literally. You, of all people, should know better, I’m over that phase. But I guess you don’t know that too, cause you never know what I want, ever since I was a kid. I want things you don’t want to give me. I want to be free, like a bird. I don’t want to wake up or come back everyday to the house and have uber loud TV sounds in the living room that are so distracting, noisy mah jongg sessions, long faces, meal-less days, small empty talks, rude and hurtful conversations, or the fact that I can’t say what I feel because of this thing we call “respect”. I want to be free from it. And I know if I don’t leave, I will regret later in life that I never left.

***

By the way, how’s the now header and background? :) Leave a comment, maybe? Loves.

Brains Don’t Fall in Love, Hearts Do.

Falling in love is as easy as easier than ABC, is it not?

Think about it, how many times have you fallen in love on purpose?

Can you make someone who doesn’t want to love you, love you? Can you make someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, commit into one? No. None of us can. None of us can do that if the other party doesn’t want to. If you said yes, it’s because the other party accepted it, whether consciously or subconsciously.

We can’t make someone love us when they don’t want to. We can’t change someone’s mind if they don’t want to. We can’t pick who we want to fall in love with. Brains don’t fall in love, hearts do. So, if you chose to love someone by choice in the reign of your mind, is it still love? Wait, what exactly IS love? Affection? Attraction? Is it explainable in mere words? Love  is absolutely ineffable. The meaning of love varies from one person to another, and that would be it, love is different to everyone, so how can it be explained in words? How would you describe it so that another person absolutely understands and feels exactly how you feel? And if they do feel exactly what you describe, how would you know if what they felt was what you once felt? I don’t know either. :/

It’s so easy to fall in love. And if we don’t cherish and work of the love we call, love, falling out of it is easy too. 

***

We all know that we should never punish anyone in the present (or future) for someone else’s mistakes in the past. But how much of that do we actually practice? Thing is, many of us (including me, of course) don’t. We say “Forgive and forget”, but do we? Well, my case, I forgive, but I don’t forget all the time. I think we should forget some things, don’t let things haunt us. Everything should start anew, not based on experiences of the past. I’m not saying that we should forget every single thing, or that the past is not important, it is. In fact it is oh-so-very-important. It’s just that, the past should be a guide, not a reference. You can’t look at someone in your life now with the filter in your head or the built up walls that block them out or even pressure them to be the total opposite of that might-have-been jerk(s) because of a mistake(s) someone in the past has done. It’s just not fair. At. All.  Comparing would be the last thing anyone should ever do (although we do, all of us).

Recently, I’ve made some what I call the Mind decisions, and less Heart decisions. I hate making Mind decisions, but this time around, I did. A lot has changed in my life recently, and for as long as I have lived this life change isn’t something I absolutely fancy. I guess I’m learning to accept and embrace it (changes) one small step at a time.

***

I’m glad I (will?) have you through the good and the bad.
Don’t ask me why, I just know.

“Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.” William Shakespeare

Random Fact : William Shakespeare’s wife’s name was Anne Hathaway.

That’s When I Love You

…always.

Sleep
Usually : 1.00 a.m.
Today : 2.30 a.m.

Open my eyes
Usually : 7.45 a.m.
Today : 7.00a.m.

Drink
Usually : 1 cup of hot tea, lots of water
Today : Half cup of disgusting coffee, 2 cans of ice lemon tea from the vending machine, 1 glass of honey lemon, some water

Mood after college
Usually : Sleep
Today : Homework FTW! :DD

Yea. Lack of sleep.

***

Lowlight of my day : I broke my slippers.

Highlight of my day : Although I don’t LOVE them as much as my old pair… I got a new pair!

Well, thank you, Eric!

***

Now playing,  Aslyn’s That’s When I Love You.
”Cause here's my promise made tonight,
You can count on me for life.”

Think Less, Write More.

For the first time in many, many years, I picked up a pen and had no clue of what to write for a mini assignment. Usual case is, I pick up the pen and had no end to write what I had in mind. This time around, I couldn’t pen my words down. It’s like, I felt what I felt, did what I did and never thought much about it. I never really did analysed how it happened, or why it happened the way it happened.

Writing was never much of a problem for me, til today. I thought I had so much to write when lecturer gave us the task, then when I held the pen today, the thoughts and words just…vanished. I just feel it, that’s it. Google-ing “What to write about boyfriend for assignment?” would be just…the right thing to do wrong in so many ways.

I know the “inspiration” will come to me soon enough. Maybe later tonight. :) POSITIVE THINKING and INNER PEACE. :D

***

I’m pretty excited for Raya holidays. Random thought.

***

I’m enjoying all my classes so far. Especially 2D illustration (except for the car part…shhh!). Audio Tech lessons require more…attention…yes, I have a very short attention span…and by short, I mean VERY short. My little solution is to read his notes before going to class, then in class, I’ll like…write messy notes and maybe Facebook a little which helps, I’m not joking, but you probably won’t believe me. There’s also Visual Communication class. Yea. I think the lecturer has this little something against me…but…it’s ok. I still enjoy his classes as much. :))

***

Oh. And Taylor Swift, you sang “Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.” …I still do. And so does many, many, many, many other people out there. :))

Too Good to be True

Remember how sometimes you think that something is true, but it’s not? What I mean precisely is about how you feel…about something that you thought you were feeling but you weren’t feeling it. Like, your mind misinterpreted it…or probably, your heart lied. Yeah.

Everything is great - I have awesome new friends, nice college, almost enough sleep everyday (although still not enough…but I’m working on it! Hehe.), tea in the morning, etc., I’d say it’s been an almost flawless week for me. But it’s almost like everything falls back together at the wrong time, like all these are way too good to be true, for now. I know, I know, I know I should be happy about it but, it all feels so wrong.

Not to say I’m not grateful or thankful for all these great things that are happening to me or around me, I am, I really am thankful for it. But I never had imagined that everything that is so  would happen to me now, like, all at the same time. I’ve always imagined that life is all good only in the end, probably when I retire or something, after all that hard work with blood shed, lost friends, broken hearts, tears cried, lalala, it will finally be all perfect. Maybe what I should put it as is that I don’t deserve it. :) But I am definitely thankful for it.

Then again, they always say all good things come to an end right? No one looks forward to negativity in life, definitely, but we also have to realise that life isn’t perfect all the time. All we can do is cherish every great moment of it, capture those special moments in your mind, keep a picture of loved ones close to your heart, remember those heart melting words once said, write them happy days down in a journal and tell the ones who have a special place in your heart how you feel about them. We don’t know when is our last day on this very earth. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or days to come, but each second that passes by, we cannot rewind them to relive it…well, at least until a time machine is invented.

One thing I try to live by is to live for the moment. I’d rather do the wrong things today that makes me smile than to do the right things and makes me unhappy. After all, the things that make you regret most of the time are the things you didn’t do…well, at least for me. :) Happiness is important.

A big thank you to the people who has made my week a great one. :)

Now playing, Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat – Lucky.
“They don't know how long it takes waiting for a love like this,
Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss.”